I have to write
I don't want to write, but I'm dealing with so much stress that I need to.
First, recovery: I finally saw a doctor last Wednesday, as my earlier post stated. This evening I began the eighth of ten days' doses of Augmentin XR. I've been mostly off Sudafed and Advil for a few days now. My left ear is still ringing, and the hearing is not as keen as I'd like, but I'm walking around vertically, if slowly.
I extend my deep thanks to my associate, to whom I look(ed) for direction at work. He encouraged me to stay home on Monday and Tuesday, when I felt healthy but very weak, and driving 55 minutes to and from work might have been a hazard. Today I felt really terrible waking up at six in the morning, but driving has not been a problem. I even got back into the Italian lessons from Pimsleur, doing both units 5 and 6 of Italian II twice each.
Now the shocker: I'm more or less looking for a project again. I really appreciate working for this division of IBM, where being on the bench doesn't mean I'm instantly at intense risk of losing my job. I got the news on Tuesday that my project has laid down the law: all technical resources must possess certain credentials which I don't yet possess. There's nothing further I can do about it but pray: I'm in the pipeline already, and it's just a matter of being patient for a few months while my case is processed. But the customer has made their point clearly, and so I'm no longer useful on this project.
This is, of course, a source of more insane stress. I haven't had an office to work in for about a year now, and a few boxes of my computer belongings and several shelves of computer books are cluttering up our house. In the last few weeks I had been assigned a cubicle on this project, and had started to slowly, cautiously move in. I haven't been told to move out yet, but for now I'm working in another location, with no assigned space, and so I once again have to carry whatever I might need with me to work every day and home again every evening.
For the short term (or perhaps longer) I've found a place to be useful doing HR-type work for the non-technical side of the project. I spent this afternoon processing resumés. But I don't know how long I'll be able to be useful there.
All this comes as such a stark contrast after Chamber Music Weekend and the GC International Brass Choir. Both of those were events providing intense flow, a feel of being very useful, very capable, and of doing what I was created to do: make music.
I've thought about making a radical career change, like going into music teaching. I think I have potential skills as a teacher, whether of music, computer skills or some other subject. But teaching is not the same as doing, and it's become clear that making music is where I truly excel. How can I make a living making music?
First, recovery: I finally saw a doctor last Wednesday, as my earlier post stated. This evening I began the eighth of ten days' doses of Augmentin XR. I've been mostly off Sudafed and Advil for a few days now. My left ear is still ringing, and the hearing is not as keen as I'd like, but I'm walking around vertically, if slowly.
I extend my deep thanks to my associate, to whom I look(ed) for direction at work. He encouraged me to stay home on Monday and Tuesday, when I felt healthy but very weak, and driving 55 minutes to and from work might have been a hazard. Today I felt really terrible waking up at six in the morning, but driving has not been a problem. I even got back into the Italian lessons from Pimsleur, doing both units 5 and 6 of Italian II twice each.
Now the shocker: I'm more or less looking for a project again. I really appreciate working for this division of IBM, where being on the bench doesn't mean I'm instantly at intense risk of losing my job. I got the news on Tuesday that my project has laid down the law: all technical resources must possess certain credentials which I don't yet possess. There's nothing further I can do about it but pray: I'm in the pipeline already, and it's just a matter of being patient for a few months while my case is processed. But the customer has made their point clearly, and so I'm no longer useful on this project.
This is, of course, a source of more insane stress. I haven't had an office to work in for about a year now, and a few boxes of my computer belongings and several shelves of computer books are cluttering up our house. In the last few weeks I had been assigned a cubicle on this project, and had started to slowly, cautiously move in. I haven't been told to move out yet, but for now I'm working in another location, with no assigned space, and so I once again have to carry whatever I might need with me to work every day and home again every evening.
For the short term (or perhaps longer) I've found a place to be useful doing HR-type work for the non-technical side of the project. I spent this afternoon processing resumés. But I don't know how long I'll be able to be useful there.
All this comes as such a stark contrast after Chamber Music Weekend and the GC International Brass Choir. Both of those were events providing intense flow, a feel of being very useful, very capable, and of doing what I was created to do: make music.
I've thought about making a radical career change, like going into music teaching. I think I have potential skills as a teacher, whether of music, computer skills or some other subject. But teaching is not the same as doing, and it's become clear that making music is where I truly excel. How can I make a living making music?
posted by Daniel | 8:52 PM
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